what i'm reading§

machine 4 man by prettybadmagic§

bestie implored me to read this, describing it as both "controversial" and "beloved". IDGAF about LoL or Arcane but i took the L because I'm a feminist and an ally.

Our protagonist, Viktor, is a chronically-ill sexual-assault survivor who's tethered to his phone and computer as a coping mechanism for his shitty life. He dedicates his anonymous social media accounts to Social-Justice-Warrior-Style Clapbacks and Epic Takedowns of insufficiently woke social media personalities, a vocation that swallows his world otherwise occupied by masturbating to violent fantasies and bed-rotting. But he has one particular White Whale.

That white whale is Jayce, a fitness influencer and peddler of toxicly-masculine phonk-soundtracked workout reels. Viktor cyberstalks Jayce for years, social-engineers his way into private Instagrams and scrapes dick pics from unecrypted chats.

When Jayce announces a week-long MGTOW-style men's get-away, Viktor exhorts his friend to pay the attendance fee, which he plans to use to enact an SJW-kamikaze: tell off the cadre of musclebound influencers and then use the anxiety to kill himself.

The first chapter is on some real Amygdalatropolis shit-- totally my bag. Unfortunately, most of the fic doesn't deliver on the transgressive promise. The male protagonists develop feelings for each other and get together. YAWN.

After a series of heartbreaks a few years ago, I ended up getting obsessed with Dennis Cooper and the subject matter of his novels. It's hard to let yourself feel good when you only scroll social media, read literary CSAM and watch snuff videos. It was only after having a falling-out with a friend, in part because of the current phase of obsessions, that the depression became bad enough that I had to seek help. Getting a therapist and Zoloft^[1] was life-changing.

So I was unexpectedly moved when, after his lowest point in the story, Viktor is motivated by heartbreak and isolation to-- rather than go back to his pacifying nest of self-induced neurological catastrophization-- do the work of improving his life: the boring, tedious, uncomfortable-- even painful, and humiliating, work of living day-to-day with an uncooperative-at-best body and nervous system bent on self-termination.

Ultimately, we get a happily-ever-after, but the story could have ended on a similar note just with Viktor's resolution to create a life worth living.

machine 4 man on Ao3

what i'm listening to§

Reach 4 The Stars by GorpoPap§

Fun fact: I'm pretty sure GorpoPap and I were at the same Xiu Xiu concert, but my first instinct was to shout "who up gorpoing they pap" and I couldn't do that. No one would answer to that.

what i'm watching§

old man DJs hardcore electro on the bins§

Every once in a while I see an old person doing some shit that makes me decide maybe living past my 40's would be okay.

what i'm working on§

I wrote a little thing about adding a word count to the frontmatter of articles I've clipped from the internet into markdown files.

something i liked§

the developer of a bootloader hack I have to rely on to root my Bigme Hibreak Pro updated the code in response to an issue I opened : )

something i hated§

my place of work is part of this blended work-shop-live downtown hub; an aberration to the U.S's single-use zoning regime, which makes it sound more utopian than it is. It rents mostly to the state government. Most of the stores are empty.

There's a food court where I eat every day. A lot of homeless people hang out there to stay warm. As of Monday, the management has put little cards on every single table saying "Reserved for food court patrons only". It's such a petty cruelty, a reified smirk, a gesture not even rising to the level of hostile design-- just a sign that says "you're not wanted".

a picture§

After years of being a naysayer and skeptic, I have been recently thinking about buying a tarot deck. Don't @ me. I'm still a historical materialist bro. It's just for fun bro. Bro.

When I was walking home one night I found two cards spilling out of a trash can that had toppled over. I picked up one of them and it was the Knight of Wands.

I haven't looked up what it means because I don't trust any of those astrology SEO-schlock websites, I'm gonna find a book recommended by the Weird Studies dudes and draw conclusions from that.